Thursday, January 29, 2009

20 Interesting Things About Moi

1. I'm on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online too so.. I'm gonna look amazing.

2. I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

3. I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me.

4. I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.

5. Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer.

6. I've been involved in a number of cults. Both as a leader and a follower. I had more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

7. I believe most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

8. I'm petrified of nipple chaffing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle... you have sensitive nipples, they chaff, so they become more sensitive, so they chaff more. So I take precautions.

9. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

10. Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

11. A few years ago my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin Mufasa was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests. We all took it really hard, all of us kind of in the audience of what happened.

12. I knew this girl who, like, had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blagh! I am a Kraken from the sea!

13. I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran, killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

14. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it's made up of two separate words—“mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

15. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

16. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

17. I'm personal friends with Obi-Wan Kenobi

18. I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.

19. One day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. My Momma always said you got to put the past behind you before you can move on. And I think that's what my running was all about. I had run for three years, two months, fourteen days, and sixteen hours.

20. So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Diamond Dogs

I would like to introduce Cornwallis....sometimes know as Wallace by the sensitive, patriotic crowd...and sometimes WALL.E by the Pixar Animation fans (you go Kate!). It does not really matter what you call him, he pretty much comes by whatever. The day before Christmas my parents adopted Walls, and thank goodness. The boy was seriously hurting for a home and we are on friendly terms with the K9 kind so Walls and the Beasley fam. made a great match. He is very smart and I attribute his savvy to his gypsy upbringing. His old owners were homeless, I am sorry but I can't compete with that, and they raised him right. His manners are impeccable. I am telling you this so that you will 1st) Adopt from the pound and 2nd) Try to get one raised by homeless people. No joke, homeless people take excellent care of there dogs and are always with them so what else do they do with their time...train them. And naturally...when you are living nomad get really well socialized with all kinds of crowds. So Walls loves to be loved and give love. He comes when he's called, sits, stays, lays and best of all when you says "shake"...he roles over. Someone played a sick joke on him and he doesn't even know it.Walls is clearly what I like to awesome dog. He came from a shelter (Red Bluff) that euthanizes the animals when things get crowded. Unfortunately, it is one of those times where the shelter is crowded and a few other really awesome dogs are on DEATH ROW...the worst, I know... so I am going to give them a plug and hopefully they will not meet a terrible fate. Seeing as I don't live in CA at the moment...all I can do for the dogs is guilt you into giving them a home...or adopting them and then transferring them to a no-kill shelter...which I don't encourage...but might under certain circumstances.

But here they all their man's-best-friend glory:

This belle dame is Carmen. She is a Pharoah Hound mix. I saw her at the shelter when we picked up Walls and she was as neat looking in person as she is in this picture. She was cool as a cucumber even though all the other dogs were peer-pressuring her to throw herself at the sides of her cage wildly and bark madly. She is 41 elle-bees (AKA lbs.) and she likes to chase tennis balls. What kind of dog doesn't? I guess that makes her "the dog next door" type.
Then to the right we have HOMER. I don't know much about him except that he looks really, really cool. He also weighs in at 69 lbs and he too like tennis balls (GET OUT! followed by Elaine Benes shove) Red Bluff pound reports that he, "wiggles with happiness." Now, and be honest with yourself, can you say "no" to a dog who wiggles with happiness? Don't deny yourself that satisfaction.

Enfin, here we have Jimmy...he's a 60 pound package of what Red Bluff pound says is a "fun loving, springy step, goofy boy" and he likes to "frolic". Their words, not mine.

If you are wondering where the Red Bluff pound is, I have that information as well. It is located right in between, and in the same parking lot as, the Mental Health Center and the Juvenile Detention Center. You will find that Red Bluff is a go-get-'em kind of town that really likes to multitask and part of the multitasking is grouping together all life's misfits into one parking lot...they are easier to manage that way. And since I am part of the trophy generation I don't wont to hurt anyone's feelings so I will add, "Don't worry. We are all misfits...and this world is our parking lot."

And if you think I am making up this despair, you should note that in the pictures, all the dogs are wearing the same leash. They can only afford one leash! Breaks my little heart...and Jimmy is the only one with a collar because he was surrendered with it. Too sad...